There’s No Money Back Guarantee With Marriage

If I were going to structure my life off the media, I would never get married.

I mean never. Sure we’ve had Prince Will & Kate all dolled up in their suit and gown covering every magazine. We imagine what it would be like to be in their place.

The flowers drift a pleasant aroma through the air and the church is full of laughter and chatter. People bet how many minutes late the bride will arrive, what cut her dress will be and what colours the bride’s maids will be wearing. The groom stands patiently down the front, waiting for his future wife to be to arrive. The cars pull up. The music begins and the bridal party enters in a rhythmic pace. Cameras flash and red lights emanate from video cameras. Bubbles are blowing and faces are glowing with delight at the sight of the blooming bride. They exchange their vows, slip a ring on each other’s finger and share a passionate kiss.

Everybody loves a good love story, but what if we’ve been sold the wrong idea? These weddings aren’t love stories. They are the symbol of the beginning of a love story, but they are not the stories themselves. The wedding makes for a few cute photos and serves as a decent family reunion, but the real memories, the real plot points in the story are made later on.

Later on when they share a bank account and she splurges on a dress. Later on when he’s out late at work, or better still, at the pub. Later on when they have a mortgage to pay off. Later on when she’s having terrible mood swings. Later on when the newborn baby is screaming through the night and neither of them get any sleep. Later on when the post-natal depression kicks in. Later on when a girl at the office offers him an enticing night out. Later on when she bumps into her high school sweetheart at the supermarket. Later on. Later on. Later on.

As far as the movies these days are concerned, people can’t live happily together anymore. Heck, as far as real-life is concerned. Divorce rate is higher than ever. It’s like people want a money back guarantee with marriage. “If it doesn’t work out how I hoped it might, I want out. I’ll try again. Exchange them for someone else”.

What is up with this? “For better or for worse or til death do us part”. The vows say it pretty darn clear. But life gets hard. Living with others is hard. Loving others is hard.

What happens when we reach the end of our strength? When we just can’t handle any more? When we have not only fallen out of love with our husband or wife, but we have come to despise them? It happens! It will happen! What then? Do we just give up? Or is there hope out there?

The media tells me there is no hope. I watch movies these day only to be left depressed and feeling hopeless about love and about life. It’s not that these films are unrealistic- by no means! They are entirely realistic. This is how life is. People do struggle. Life is hard! Marriage is hard!

The way I see it, life is like a long tightrope. We walk along, delicately. As long as we can see the rope below us and keep our balance, we’re fine. But there are dark stages in life and problems come barreling our way to throw us off balance. When we get to these points, do we turn around and hightail it out of there, or press on and look for the light at the end?

I have to honestly say, if it wasn’t for my parents, I’d neglect any hopes for marriage. My parents will be celebrating their 21st wedding anniversary this year. It hasn’t been easy. They fight every single day, but without them, I would not exist right now. Without their love and support and their team-effort approach to life, I would not be living this life I live.  If they’d have given up when they felt like they wanted to, they would have brought pain to more than just themselves.

So what’s their secret? What gets them through? I don’t think I’ve ever met such opposite people and yet it works. How? I works because they put God first, the other second and themselves last. They sit at the breakfast table every day battling the sound of the dishwasher, the hairdryer and kids looking for their lost school shoe. They sit there and read the Bible together and pray. This way, they don’t grow apart. They focus their lives in the same direction, toward God.

Therefore, if I have any hope of  entering into a lasting marriage, it won’t matter how good looking they are. It won’t matter what sort of job they have or how much money they earn. It won’t matter how desperately they want to have a family and make it work. In our own strength, it is impossible. They have to be willing to see that at the end of us, that’s where God steps in.

When we come to the dark patches in life, holding someone’s hand as we walk along the tightrope will make it so much easier. Having a whisper in your ear, “I know it’s hard, but the light is coming. Let’s trust God with this one. Hold on. I’m not going to let you go”.

“Love is not an affectionate feeling but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained” – C.S.Lewis

“Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” -Matthew 19:6

The Perfect Man?

We’ve all been there. Someone starts paying you a little extra attention. Their smile curves your lips. Their stare reddens your cheeks. Their words are spoken with a hidden meaning. You contemplate their question. They imagine their future with you. You imagine your future with them. You know those dreams that are gone in a glimpse? You see the two of you tomorrow, then a wedding dress, a house, kids and eventually the rocking chairs on the front porch. They are assessing you and you are evaluating them. In your mind, everything seems perfect.

Until you are brought back to reality. Yes, he has an incredible smile. Yes, he is polite. Yes, he makes you feel like a million dollars. Yes. Yes. Yes. You can continue rationalising and ticking multiple boxes but there is one box you cannot tick. It’s the most important box. Everything else is debatable. What they look like, where they work, what sport they play.

Some things are negotiable. Some things are preferences. Yet if you are a Christian and strive to take up your cross and follow Christ, when you are looking for a husband, there is one thing that cannot be negotiated.

He must be a Christian.

I didn’t say, ‘he must go to church’. I didn’t say,’ he must believe in Jesus’. I didn’t say, ‘he must have been baptized’. There are many people in this world who go to church, honestly believe that Jesus was God and were baptised as infants. This does not make them a Christian. There is a difference. Hear me out.

A guy can seem like the man of your dreams. He might compliment you. He might call your mum ‘Mrs’ and your dad ‘Sir’. He might open the car door for you. He might buy you flowers. Heck, he might even drive you to church and sit in the front pew with you! Just because he does all these things, doesn’t mean he is the perfect man.

The thing is that the Bible clearly states that as Christians, we are not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14).

Often, people can appear to be something that they are not. I know so many Christian women who married charming men. These attractive men knew what their girlfriends wanted them to be and so they played the part til they made those girlfriends their wives. Only too late did these wives learn that their husbands had been pretending all along.

To this day these women continue to struggle living with a man who does share their beliefs or they are living alone because their husband ran off with someone else.

The thing with feelings is that we get caught up in the moment, rather than seeing the bigger picture. We see them as they are now and how they make us feel instead of really asking who they will become and facing the hard truth.

On the other hand, I have seen so many Christian couples who are shining God’s light, just in the way they relate to each other. Their common belief brings them together for a common cause. Rather than arguing, they are in a partnership. Together they are seeing more and more people come to know Jesus. They are selfless and put each other before themselves. They read their Bible and spur each other on to become better people. They pray together. At my church I see elderly couples more in love now than ever. I see old men opening the door for their wives who now have walkers or wheelchairs.

I want a man who will one day become an old man like the ones I see at my church. If you want some one like that, they need to be showing those qualities now. Don’t just hope for the best thinking they’ll develop them later on.

Plainly put. If you want an eagle, don’t pick up a crocodile egg and expect it to transform.

On a final note, how can anyone argue with 2 Corinthians 6:14?

“Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?”

Don’t set yourself up for failure. See the potential beauty that comes, if you will only be patient.

C