Envy Unfelt

Some things cannot be unseen. Some feelings cannot be unfelt. Sights can be excused. Feelings can be forgiven. But never forgotten.

News is too readily accessible. It always seems the things we wish we could remember, manage to slip our mind, while tormenting images plague our thoughts.

Jealousy ensnares. Envy tangles us, keeps us captive, subject to our own emotions. It cages us in. Limits us. Hinders us. Destroys us.

I hadn’t felt it in so long, and at just one glance the envy came flooding back, clawing at my soul like a pack of wolves. Who is she? 

His smile. The way his eyes crinkle up. Her there. Me here.

I’m looking at the screen. A moment frozen in time. A golden moment worth a photograph. They seem so happy. Beautiful Christmas lights encapsulate them. Tinsel. Red, white green. Snow. His arm is wrapped around her. She looks so stoked to be in his arms. And I hate her for it. Is that bad? Yes it is bad! I repulse myself. Love. Love. Love is the movement. Love is what we aim for. God is characterised by love, we should seek to emulate him. I am stuck.

But I will escape. I will shed this skin. I will leave these thoughts, these feelings behind. My words take the feelings away. I laden my sentences with the emotions I feel, exerting them, imposing them onto a blank page. Like washing red paint from my hands and then watching it stain the white, porcelain sink.

These feelings will never be forgotten but they can be forgiven. I can move on. I just have to allow myself.

& Remember Philippians 4:8

“Finally, brothers and sisters,

whatever is true,

whatever is noble,

whatever is right,

whatever is pure,

whatever is lovely,

whatever is admirable,

if anything is excellent or praiseworthy,

think about such things.”